Will You Let the Machines Win?
It’s becoming more and more undeniable that technology is an integral part of all of our daily lives. Telephones are computers. Computers are telephones. Each passing day seems to provide a myriad of new ways to get connected to the digital world, and honestly, it’s pretty nice.
But what about the day when you wake up, gently rub your eyes, and realize that technology have taken over the Earth? What will you do when you find out that robots have become vastly more intelligent than people and that they’re using this intelligence to enslave all of humanity? Where will you turn when there’s an android around every corner?
As a complete technological takeover appears increasingly imminent, here are a few tips to help you survive the onslaught.
Take Cover in the Wilderness
Any sort of technological overthrow will most likely start in large cities. In these urban areas, the robots will have quick access to copious amount of electricity, hook-ups to fiber optic infrastructures, and a cornucopia of human life to exploit (as it is very likely that the machines will find ways to power themselves off of living flesh).
With this in mind, run to the woods. Sure, the machines will eventually use heat sensors and global positioning systems to track you down and dismantle you, but taking cover in uninhabited areas will maximize your time to formulate a strategy for fighting back. While you’re out there, grow a beard, bathe in mud, and begin using phrases like “come hell or high water.” If you’re going to be a rebel, you might as well look the part.
Invest in Squirt Guns
Yes, squirt guns. Everyone know that all forms of technology shut down completely when they get wet (ever wondered why no one’s invented a quesadilla maker you can use in the shower?). So, your best line of defense against rampant technology will be lots of high quality H20. You’ll only be able to fire two large squirt guns at a time, but reload times can be a real pain so pick up nine or ten the next time you’re at a toy store.
In the battle against the machines, your only friend may be the last element on earth that hasn’t been corrupted by digital debauchery, water.
Try to Make Amends
Just like we humans need technology to make it through our day-to-day existence, it’s undeniable that the machines will need to keep a few people around to provide some input on their takeover. You could be one of these people. From a safe distance, attempt to communicate to the robots how worthy you are to work under their cold, steel fists. Tell them about how many iPods you own. Remind them that you still haven’t thrown away your Atari 2600. Explain that you thought Pets.com had a lot of potential.
Sure, the rest of your life will be filled with toiling in a state of cyber slavery, but it’s better than total destruction.
Try to Fit In
In the case of a complete mechanical overthrow of the Earth, utilizing the “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” mentality is dangerous, ill-advised, and crazy. So crazy, in fact, that it just might work.
Start purchasing tin foil now; you’re going to need lots of it. As soon as the tyrannical machines start rolling across the horizon, fashion a suit that makes you look as similar to these Destructo-bots as possible. Your life may now depend on the sewing techniques you learned in seventh grade Home Ec class. You’ll need more than a costume though. C++ Certification Guides should become your new light reading. Continually watch Daft Punk music videos. Try to think in binary. If you’re successful, you just might be able to convince these swarthy cyborgs that you’re one of them.
When the technological takeover occurs, it will take thorough preparation and more than a little bit of bravery to survive the attack. With these tips, you can surmount a formidable defense against the cyber cesspool that swiftly destroys civilization and perhaps become that last living memory of humanity as we know it.